Fundamentalist Science

With the rise of Mitt it's probably a good idea to prepare for the New Science that will dominate our schools. We all know about Creationism, but there is so much more.

Speed of Light Is Slowing

Fundies believe the universe is six to ten thousand years old. This creates a problem explaining how the light from stars billions of light-years away is visible. One explanation is that the speed of light is slowing down at a rate of 38 km per second per year. I haven't worked out all the profound practical and philosophical ramifications of this. For example, at some point the speed of light will drop below the speed of sound and everybody will look like there in a poorly dubbed kung fu movie.

The Moon Is a Light Bulb
Bill Nye, the Science Guy, ran afoul of this in Texas when he idly mentions that the moon reflects sunlight and got booed. In Texas they believe the Bible when it says that God created the moon as a light in the night sky. The Bible doesn't explain the phases of the moon but I'm guessing it has a dimmer switch.

Set Theory Is Satanic

One of the things fundamentalists pledge is to rid math lessons of set theory. It's not, as you might think, the use of heathen (Greek) symbols or that fact that it makes common sense. Apparently, religious folk object that in set theory you can conceive of multiple infinities. God is the only infinity and imagining infinities of numbers is sacrilegious.

Pink Sky

According to creation science, when the Earth was formed it had a crystalline canopy of hydrogen and water surrounding it. According to this science it never rained on the antediluvian Earth, there were no such thing as rainbows, and the sky was perpetually pink. This canopy was the source of all the water for Noah's Flood.

Dinosaurs and Man

Basically, the Flintstones was a science documentary. The only way to reconcile the existence of dinosaur fossils with a 6,000 year-old Earth is to assume dinosaurs and humans coexisted. A concurrent theory is that dinosaurs were also fire breathing dragons. Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs like pets. Jesus too.

But we shouldn't be too dismissive of these fundamentalists because it is absolutely true that real scientists have taken a picture of the Eye of God.

Although, oddly, creationists utterly refuse to claim this as proof.