Popish Stories

The leader of the Roman Catholic faith has often been quite nefarious.

Youngest Pope (Benedict IX)

In 1032, Alberic III, Count of Tusculum (near Rome), gave his son a present for his twelfth birthday. He made him pope. Benny grew into his reign like any unsupervised teen with absolute power would. He held orgies, raped nuns, and murdered people who displeased him. In 1045 Benny sold the papacy to a priest who became Gregory VI then used some of the money to hire German mercenaries to take the papacy back by force. He was finally forced out by the German King Henry who appointed his own pope (Clement II) who, in turn, named Henry the Holy Roman Emperor.

Lady Pope (Joan I)

This one is called a legend, the Catholic Church swears it never happens, and there is absolutely no historical record of a female pope. Still, the story has existed for 1000 years. Disguised as a man by her lover, a women in the 9th century becomes a religious scholar. She quickly rises in the church and is elected pope, taking the name Pope John. Only her lover knows the truth. The ruse continues successfully for a couple of years but the pope has become pregnant. The pope gives birth during a public procession and is stoned to death by the shocked faithful. The Church has purged all record of her existence but it is said that to this day popes shun the street in Rome where she gave birth.

Last Honest Pope (Liberius)
Liberius was the last pope to publicly acknowledge the possibility that Jesus had been a man and not a god. As a consequence he is the only pope of the first 49 to have not been made a saint.

Last Murdered Pope (John Paul I)

Dozens of popes have been murdered throughout history. In 1978, the Vatican Bank was up to their vestments with the Italian Mafia as their main money launderer. The newly elected pope was planning to purge the Vatican of its corrupt practices. As a consequence, Pope John Paul was poisoned. Within an hour of his body being discovered church officials called in embalmers. A funeral was hastily organized and John Paul was entombed inside a week, burying any evidence for eternity.

Most Corrupt (Alexander VI)
Lots to choose from here but Alexander VI was the Borgia pope. Borgia bought the office, according to tradition, by bribing the cardinals with four mule loads of silver. His reign was rife with orgies, bribery, poisoning, judicial murder and extortion. He kept a stable of mistresses and fathered several children upon whom he bestowed lucrative papal offices. Alexander liked to keep score during orgies and rewarded cardinals who could ejaculate most often.

Most Debauched (Paul III & John XII)

Again, there are way too many to choose from including Alex; I have to award a tie. Paul III (1534-1549) murdered his mother to inherit the family fortune. His biggest claim to fame is that he organized and controlled all 45,000 Roman prostitutes and took a cut of their income. Pope Paul III was a papal pimp.

John XII, like many popes, held bi-sexual orgies in the sacred palace which included having sex on the tombs of Saint Peter and Saint Paul. He appointed a ten year-old boy a bishop and took the child as his lover. John raped his sisters and nieces. Pope John XII was killed by the husband of one of his lovers.