Excerpts from the Devil's Dictionary

Written in 1881 by Ambrose Bierce. It can be found freely at Gutenberg.org.

CHRISTIAN, n One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Bophal, India after Union Carbide was finished. 3000 dead and no executives were punished.

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.

Student debt exceeds $1 trillion.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom— and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

REDSKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red—at least not on the outside.

RICHES, n "The savings of many in the hands of one." Eugene Debs