Thinking Like a Republican

It's really a very easy thing to do.

On War

My Lai, 1968

Foreigners are heathens who don't value human life like we do so it's okay to kill them. Besides, all we have to do is give them money and it's all good.

Americans don't torture, it's just enhanced interrogation. It's not torture if they are guilty and we wouldn't be torturing them if they were innocent. QED.

Look it up.

The Mouse That Roared is real! Small countries around the world (Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, North Korea) want to conquer America and we are desperately engaged in a world war to defend ourselves.
 
On Civil Rights
Blacks commit crimes. Why else would they have such dark skin that makes it impossible to see them at night unless they smile? And why are they smiling in the dark unless they want to rape our women? Neighborhoods must defend themselves.

Shooting unarmed black teens isn't racism, it the natural reaction to seeing a dark complexioned stranger who doesn't call you "massa." Besides, shooting is more humane than lynching.

Besides...Hoodies!!!

Mexicans are retaking America through an invasion of yard workers, maids, cabbage pickers and dancers. We need laws against brown skinned people working to stop this invasion.

Mexicans use sinister means to vote, like being born in this country. Students, the elderly, and the poor also try to vote even though the Founding Fathers never intended them to. Voting is a privilege, not a right.

Women
Women are the source of sin, since Eve.

Sluts!

A woman's duty is to breed (be fruitful) and to be subservient to men. Allowing abortion violates the first so to qualify a woman must prove allegiance to the second by submitting to demeaning, humiliating, and unnecessary procedures before getting one.

Health Care

Health care is a commodity, like boats. Rich people can afford yachts, poor people can only afford a leaky dingy if they stop eating. Really poor people should just drown quickly and reduce the surplus population. But there should be no ferries that carry both the rich and the poor in the same boat. That is communism!!


Unemployment
Minimum wages a unemployment insurance causes unemployment. If we cut the minimum wage to zero and don't help people without jobs we will quickly cure the unemployment problem. You never saw unemployment when all the workers were serfs.

Child labor laws take jobs away from children, who will work cheaper than adults.